Recovery

Natural Light Black and White

A year ago began a difficult time for me. I went through a rough emotional patch as I opened myself up to working through some emotional baggage.

To add to the emotional journey, my artistic path was a crumbled mess as my artistic career was ended before it had a chance to begin.

I was angry. Angry at my failure. Angry at who I became. Angry about where I was at the time.

I was sad. I was sad about where I my relationships were. Sad for myself.

I was depressed. Not like common everyday sad. Nope, I was in a deep dark hole that was spiraling out of control.

I shut down. I walked away from just about everything I once loved. I was a shell of the man I was the year before.

I made some bad choices that negatively affected many around me, causing those people to remove themselves from the situation; in many cases, rightfully so. I don't hold grudges against them and understand their self-preservation motives.

But what many of my friends didn't see was I was afraid. I saw myself falling away. I saw what I thought my dreams were falling into the abyss. I saw myself turning on myself; hating myself for my failure. One of the last poems I wrote, dated August 23rd of last year was this poem.

The artist lied
In the dreams that were dreamed
In the hopes that were hoped
In the words that were worded
False bravado of a weak spirit

The artist ran
When the rough got rougher
When the lows got lower
When the hard got harder
Real cowardice of a weak mind

The artist hid
From the scariest of scaries
From the challenge of challenges
From the liveliest of lives
Failure to see the reality of reality

The artist died
When the walls got too high
When the view got too grey
When the light got too dark
Selfish suicide of a creative mind

The artist transformed
Now a clone without a soul
Now a drone without a heart
Now a dancer without legs
Codependent in life he moves

That poem summed up my frame of mind at the time. I dealt with those feelings, those self images for several months. I was in a self-centered, self-propelling crash course to self-destruction.

A new path

Once fall moved in I began getting my shit together. I refocused on what was important to me. 

I worked on making my marriage strong again. 

I worked on making my relationship with my kids strong again. 

I worked on making myself capable of doing what was needed to provide for my family while continuing to create.

I refocused myself. I focused myself back on giving. Giving back to my community. Giving back to my friends.

I refocused myself. I focused myself back on teaching. Teaching others to create for themselves.

 I refocused myself. I focused on creating for the pure sake of creating. No monetary agendas. 

Creating is what is important to me; it always has been. Creating is the core of who I have always been. I had forgotten that. I had forsaken that. I had stopped creating altogether because I couldn't get paid for it. I had turned myself into a whore; a whore who couldn't make a living doing it.

Forsaking what is true about you is one of the most self-destructive things a person can do. When you aren't true to yourself, your confidence waivers, your presence becomes false and your soul dies. People see that; they feel it when they are around. 

Play Me, I'm Yours

It took a long time to find myself again. I am still on the road to finding myself; reinventing myself. It isn't an easy road, but being true to myself allows me to accomplish whatever it is I set my mind to.

I work during the day to support my family. I accept that it is a banal part of life. So I try to balance that with the things I love.

I create at home.

I never got around to dealing with the emotional baggage I carried, but maybe I am not supposed to. Maybe that baggage is what drives me to be who I am. Maybe that baggage helps keep me grounded. Maybe baggage isn't all bad all the time.

I have my friends to thank for getting through the rough patches of the last year. I have my wife to thank for getting me through the last year. She was very patient and understanding even when she didn't know what to do for me.

For the sake of creating

This blog went though a dark period a year ago. It is not something I am proud of, but it is something that will remain on the blog. It may be dark, but it is truth.

Today this blog is used to share the joy of creating. It is used to inspire others. I don't make money doing this. My intent is share and educate others. My intent is to give.

The image on the left was taken a few weeks ago during an outing with my photography club. One of our members hosted a late night shooting event for the Perseid Meteor Shower. 

I took this image with no monetary intent. I simply saw something beautiful and wanted to capture it for the pure sake of making a beautiful image of a beautiful subject. 

I hope there is one thing that I share with my readers above all other things. Whether you are a pro, amateur, hobbyist, or somewhere in between, create for yourself. Just make time to create for you. 

This is who I am at my core and it is starting to show again.