Saturday, December 28, 2013

Blah Blah Blah - Not this time.

It is that time of year again where photographers and artists around the world post up a ton of blah, blah blah crap about their new year's resolutions or their "best of the year" photos. I have been guilty of that over the years, but this year I am going to do something different. I am sharing what is happening with me right now. Why am I doing this? Because I don't know what my future will hold for me artistically and this is just a form a therapy, pure and simple.

See it has been two months without a single post. And much to my surprise my web sites stats have not changed all that much. See I only reach my friends with my blog posts and I am generally not posting up any useful content for them, just tripe that I shoot on an irregular basis mixed in with little nuggets of regurgitated wisdom. All of the remainder of the traffic, well the majority of the traffic, is there to grab my free presets I make available on the site.

This is why I haven't posted anything new for so long; I don't believe the Hallmark-esq photography diatribe any more. I also really haven't photographed anything that makes me say "Oh My Fucking Hell... That is the shot." And the OMFH response is important to me, not that others say it, but that I feel it when I look at my work and that hasn't happened since June at Crater Lake.

I have been on several shoots since then, one, recently, in which a friend of mine, Matt, arranged for me and another friend to go for a ride in the engine of the train. It truly was a glorious day in which a childhood dream of mine was fulfilled and I am truly thankful to Matt for making that happen for me and Rick. But I didn't shoot anything that I would make me say, "OMFH". And this has absolutely nothing to do with the opportunity Matt provided, because there was plenty to shoot but has everything to do with these reasons:

  1. I have been in a creative slump for a long time. 
  2. I have been in a creative transition of sorts, but am not happy there because my work is amateur at best.
  3. I have been hyper-critical of all forms of my work. It is pisses me off to not be producing top notch work.
  4. I have been dealing with a lot of personal and health related shit this year.
A lot of my creative slump has been due to my own disappointment with my own work. I am not inspired or challenged photographically as of late. My works feel repetitive, sloppy and just a like everything else I see and do anymore, it all feels like a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.

Did I get my point across there? Just in case, I will say it one more time; "Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy..." Even that is a copy... did you ever see the movie Fight Club? Yup... totally lifted that from there. Even the repetitive nature of the above was lifted from the movie, The Shining... remember the pages and pages of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"?

Nothing I do feels original any more. Nothing feels like me any more. It used to be when I picked up my camera it was like I was finally breathing and any time my camera wasn't in my hand, I was simply hold my breath. Now when I hold my camera it feel like I am lifting the mass of the sun. There is just so much effort in clicking that goddamn shutter. I am just like "Fuck!". And now when I do shoot, I just shoot eighteen frames of the same shoot, hold the shutter button down and let the camera fire until the buffer fills up and then I walk away saying to myself, "I am sure I got something." or "That's probably good." But the fact of the matter is that I don't give a fuck because whether I try or don't try all I am producing is pure Gungang shit. See that was a Star Wars reference... JarJar Binks was a gungang, and JarJar was the worst character George Lucas ever developed for Star Wars. But I digress.

I know, I know... I need to challenge myself more. I need to get a little GOYAS. I need to get out more. But alas I don't feel motivated to get out. I don't feel motivated to challenge myself. That is the Catch 22... If I get out more I will be inspired and will challenge myself, but I am not motivated to get out more and don't feel up to the challenge of being challenged and therefore I won't get motivated. And by motivated I mean I am antithesis of motivated. Look up unmotivated in the dictionary and you will see a picture of me not holding my camera. It feels a lot like falling up an endless downward spiral. It is painful.

I feel like I have shot everything, shot every style known to man, photographed every angle and thrown so many layers of shit on top of my photos that everything is getting bloated, blurry and unfocused... been there done that. This doesn't mean that I won't go shooting if someone asks me to go, I will, but not for the photography, but because of the social aspect of getting out and hanging with a friend.

I feel very withdrawn from people in general. Not my friends... I love and value the very few friends that I have in my life... and there aren't many, cause I can be kind of an ass at times, it's just who I am. But I am so tired of "doing" all the time. Go, go, go... but the destination is never reached. A never ending track, that seems to go in circles.

Recently, as a part of a veteran's program, I underwent some counseling, 3 whole hours worth because that is how valued our veterans are to our country. It revealed a lot about me but didn't do much to provide tools to deal with my issues. But what it did do was educate me. See, once I looked up the clinical definitions of what I was actually diagnosed with, I was shocked because it described me to a tee. One of the four diagnosis's I was given was PTSD, as the result of several events in my life and too many to count that happened during my four year my military career. Some of the shit I didn't even remember until certain questions from the therapist triggered these visceral memories, but even then I can't recall some specifics, like people's names. When I read the definition, I said to myself, "Holy shit. That is a small part of me in a nut shell." I say small part, because I and a lot like an Ogre, which happens to be like an onion... we all have many layers... and we usually stink and tend to make people cry.

How I function the way I do in the settings I inevitably put myself in I do not know, but it is just a series of masks I wear to do what I feel I need to do. I compartmentalize the stress, anxiety and myriad of other complex issues until I get done what I need to get done. But now I know why I collapse and shutdown for several hours after a short meeting of my photography club. I now know why I withdraw from my interests from time to time. I now know why I can sit in a dark room, staring at a computer screen just reading websites for hours on end while my wife sits down stairs alone. I have hit a wall. I now know why I can be obsessively interested in something for 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, or 5 years and then just suddenly detach all interest and walk away from it, sometimes burning bridges in the process. I know why, but I don't know how, or even if, I can fix it. All I can do is accept it that I am that way and cope.

I know why I don't teach as much as I used to. I know why I don't shoot as much as I used to. I know why I don't value my passions as much as I used to. I know why I am so hyper-critical of my own creations. But I don't know how to fix it. I mean look at me now, I am writing this at 3:20 AM instead of snuggling in my bed with my lovely wife getting a good night's sleep.

I spoke earlier this year about focusing on my health. I was and am serious about that one. And with the kick in the ass from my friend Rick, I am working on one aspect of my health now. I still have many others to work on, but at least this is a start.

I am not sure about my future in photography, but for the time being I can at least use it as an excuse to hang out with my friends. I don't know about my future in teaching, I may be done, but who knows, six months from now I might jump right back on that train. All I do know is that I feel a breaking point is being reached. I can hear it in my response to stressors. I can feel it in my reactions to people, especially negative people. I see it in the shit creative endeavors are producing. I can sense it in my detachment to various things that I was once passionate about.

I hope that one day I can get back on track, but for now I will continue wearing my masks, compartmentalizing my issues and focusing on my relationships with my family and friends and focusing on my health. Because that is truly what is important.

I wish you all the best in the coming year. I will find my way out of this funk I am in, I usually do. But for the time being, if don't see me with my camera in hand, you know why. Now to finally go to bed. It is 3:43 AM, time to get a few hours of sleep. Good night... or morning I guess.. technically.