Coming Back

It has been a long while.

I have been busy.

I have made some changes.

I have made some good changes.

And as a result, I have been making art again.

I have found some balance. I no longer have to choose between my health, my family, my friends and my art, sacrificing one for something else. By letting go of other things, I now have time to balance all of these things and have time for me as well.

I thought I would post some of what I have been doing... mostly experimental work, but at least I have been creating again and it is getting me out of that creative rut I was drowning in for so long.

I must say, honestly, it is nice to be breathing again.

Blah Blah Blah - Not this time.

It is that time of year again where photographers and artists around the world post up a ton of blah, blah blah crap about their new year's resolutions or their "best of the year" photos. I have been guilty of that over the years, but this year I am going to do something different. I am sharing what is happening with me right now. Why am I doing this? Because I don't know what my future will hold for me artistically and this is just a form a therapy, pure and simple.

See it has been two months without a single post. And much to my surprise my web sites stats have not changed all that much. See I only reach my friends with my blog posts and I am generally not posting up any useful content for them, just tripe that I shoot on an irregular basis mixed in with little nuggets of regurgitated wisdom. All of the remainder of the traffic, well the majority of the traffic, is there to grab my free presets I make available on the site.

This is why I haven't posted anything new for so long; I don't believe the Hallmark-esq photography diatribe any more. I also really haven't photographed anything that makes me say "Oh My Fucking Hell... That is the shot." And the OMFH response is important to me, not that others say it, but that I feel it when I look at my work and that hasn't happened since June at Crater Lake.

I have been on several shoots since then, one, recently, in which a friend of mine, Matt, arranged for me and another friend to go for a ride in the engine of the train. It truly was a glorious day in which a childhood dream of mine was fulfilled and I am truly thankful to Matt for making that happen for me and Rick. But I didn't shoot anything that I would make me say, "OMFH". And this has absolutely nothing to do with the opportunity Matt provided, because there was plenty to shoot but has everything to do with these reasons:

1. I have been in a creative slump for a long time. 
2. I have been in a creative transition of sorts, but am not happy there because my work is amateur at best.
3. I have been hyper-critical of all forms of my work. It is pisses me off to not be producing top notch work.
4. I have been dealing with a lot of personal and health related shit this year.

A lot of my creative slump has been due to my own disappointment with my own work. I am not inspired or challenged photographically as of late. My works feel repetitive, sloppy and just a like everything else I see and do anymore, it all feels like a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.

Did I get my point across there? Just in case, I will say it one more time; "Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy..." Even that is a copy... did you ever see the movie Fight Club? Yup... totally lifted that from there. Even the repetitive nature of the above was lifted from the movie, The Shining... remember the pages and pages of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"?

Nothing I do feels original any more. Nothing feels like me any more. It used to be when I picked up my camera it was like I was finally breathing and any time my camera wasn't in my hand, I was simply hold my breath. Now when I hold my camera it feel like I am lifting the mass of the sun. There is just so much effort in clicking that goddamn shutter. I am just like "Fuck!". And now when I do shoot, I just shoot eighteen frames of the same shoot, hold the shutter button down and let the camera fire until the buffer fills up and then I walk away saying to myself, "I am sure I got something." or "That's probably good." But the fact of the matter is that I don't give a fuck because whether I try or don't try all I am producing is pure Gungang shit. See that was a Star Wars reference... JarJar Binks was a gungang, and JarJar was the worst character George Lucas ever developed for Star Wars. But I digress.

I know, I know... I need to challenge myself more. I need to get a little GOYAS. I need to get out more. But alas I don't feel motivated to get out. I don't feel motivated to challenge myself. That is the Catch 22... If I get out more I will be inspired and will challenge myself, but I am not motivated to get out more and don't feel up to the challenge of being challenged and therefore I won't get motivated. And by motivated I mean I am antithesis of motivated. Look up unmotivated in the dictionary and you will see a picture of me not holding my camera. It feels a lot like falling up an endless downward spiral. It is painful.

I feel like I have shot everything, shot every style known to man, photographed every angle and thrown so many layers of shit on top of my photos that everything is getting bloated, blurry and unfocused... been there done that. This doesn't mean that I won't go shooting if someone asks me to go, I will, but not for the photography, but because of the social aspect of getting out and hanging with a friend.

I feel very withdrawn from people in general. Not my friends... I love and value the very few friends that I have in my life... and there aren't many, cause I can be kind of an ass at times, it's just who I am. But I am so tired of "doing" all the time. Go, go, go... but the destination is never reached. A never ending track, that seems to go in circles.

Recently, as a part of a veteran's program, I underwent some counseling, 3 whole hours worth because that is how valued our veterans are to our country. It revealed a lot about me but didn't do much to provide tools to deal with my issues. But what it did do was educate me. See, once I looked up the clinical definitions of what I was actually diagnosed with, I was shocked because it described me to a tee. One of the four diagnosis's I was given was PTSD, as the result of several events in my life and too many to count that happened during my four year my military career. Some of the shit I didn't even remember until certain questions from the therapist triggered these visceral memories, but even then I can't recall some specifics, like people's names. When I read the definition, I said to myself, "Holy shit. That is a small part of me in a nut shell." I say small part, because I and a lot like an Ogre, which happens to be like an onion... we all have many layers... and we usually stink and tend to make people cry.

How I function the way I do in the settings I inevitably put myself in I do not know, but it is just a series of masks I wear to do what I feel I need to do. I compartmentalize the stress, anxiety and myriad of other complex issues until I get done what I need to get done. But now I know why I collapse and shutdown for several hours after a short meeting of my photography club. I now know why I withdraw from my interests from time to time. I now know why I can sit in a dark room, staring at a computer screen just reading websites for hours on end while my wife sits down stairs alone. I have hit a wall. I now know why I can be obsessively interested in something for 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, or 5 years and then just suddenly detach all interest and walk away from it, sometimes burning bridges in the process. I know why, but I don't know how, or even if, I can fix it. All I can do is accept it that I am that way and cope.

I know why I don't teach as much as I used to. I know why I don't shoot as much as I used to. I know why I don't value my passions as much as I used to. I know why I am so hyper-critical of my own creations. But I don't know how to fix it. I mean look at me now, I am writing this at 3:20 AM instead of snuggling in my bed with my lovely wife getting a good night's sleep.

I spoke earlier this year about focusing on my health. I was and am serious about that one. And with the kick in the ass from my friend Rick, I am working on one aspect of my health now. I still have many others to work on, but at least this is a start.

I am not sure about my future in photography, but for the time being I can at least use it as an excuse to hang out with my friends. I don't know about my future in teaching, I may be done, but who knows, six months from now I might jump right back on that train. All I do know is that I feel a breaking point is being reached. I can hear it in my response to stressors. I can feel it in my reactions to people, especially negative people. I see it in the shit creative endeavors are producing. I can sense it in my detachment to various things that I was once passionate about.

I hope that one day I can get back on track, but for now I will continue wearing my masks, compartmentalizing my issues and focusing on my relationships with my family and friends and focusing on my health. Because that is truly what is important.

I wish you all the best in the coming year. I will find my way out of this funk I am in, I usually do. But for the time being, if don't see me with my camera in hand, you know why. Now to finally go to bed. It is 3:43 AM, time to get a few hours of sleep. Good night... or morning I guess.. technically.

The Critique Versus The Critic

I have been a longtime fan of film director M. Night Shyamalan. He has written, directed and sometimes even starred in some amazing movies over the years, including The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs, The Village and Lady in the Water.

M. Night is an amazing storyteller with deep characters that are always more than was the eyes can see. His movies always seem to be centralized around estranged difficult relationships that come together in moments of crisis or hardship. Another thing that M. Night is, is an artist in the purest form. He draws heavily on symbolism, story and prose. His visual imagery is soft, suggestive and moving. I did say that I was a fan, didn't I?

Yet M. Night movies are always razed by critics and moviegoers alike. In this digital age, everyone seems to be a critic and nobody on the planet seems to be a vocal fan of M. Night's work even though his box office numbers are not slouchy at all. The Sixth Sense brought in $293 million in the box office. Signs brought in $227 million. The Village brought in $114 million. Yet critics panned his movies except for the The Sixth Sense.

Roger Ebert referenced The Sixth Sense as; "The Sixth Sense" has a kind of calm, sneaky self-confidence that allows it to take us down a strange path, intriguingly." Entertainment weekly said, "It's a psychological thriller that actually thrills."

For his review of The Village, Roger Ebert opened his review by saying, ""The Village" is a colossal miscalculation, a movie based on a premise that cannot support it, a premise so transparent it would be laughable were the movie not so deadly solemn. It's a flimsy excuse for a plot, with characters who move below the one-dimensional and enter Flatland."

Entertainment weekly opened it's review of The Village with; "What an irony -- and a shame -- it would be if ''The Sixth Sense'' turns out to be the movie that first made and then ruined the career of M. Night Shyamalan." There is not a single mention of the movie's [The Village] title being reviewed, see it here.

For his review of The Lady in the Water, Roger Ebert had this to say. "The key to deciphering M. Night Shyamalan's fractured fairy tale, "Lady in the Water," is to remember that it is rooted in the mythology of Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report."... The director's deficiencies as a visual storyteller are also on fine display.... Shyamalan could learn from Spielberg and Brian De Palma." Rooted in the mythology of Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report? What the hell does that mean?

Entertainment Weekly had this to say about The Lady in the Water. "Muggledom runs amok in Lady in the Water, Shyamalan's most alienating and self-absorbed project to date. His most fanciful, too, since the narrative springs from a fairy tale the director made up for his two daughters" I don't understand why, but these first few sentences, that start with a Harry Potter reference, comes after two long paragraphs talking about all of M. Night's previous films with vague references to M. Night selling out by becoming American Expresses spokesperson. Don't believe me? See it here.

Critics have become a form of entertainment in and of themselves for the most part. Whether it is a movie, music, book or art critic, they all seem to be on the same negative page. Rather than critiquing a piece as a stand alone subject, they have to reference it to other works by the artist, or even other artists. Why is it that Lisa Schwarzbaum, the Entertainment Weekly critic for The Lady in the Water had to throw a Harry Potter reference in for a review of a movie that had absolutely nothing to do with the Potter franchise.

One of the defining characteristics of a critic is their job title; Critic. The dictionary definition of critic, the first definition listed is; "a person who expresses an unfavorable opinion of something". So by definition, their job is to complain about other people's work. Period.

A critique is defined as; a detailed analysis and assessment of something, esp. a literary, philosophical, or political theory. So this means the good and bad should be discussed as a part of the critiquing process.

And that is where a critic and a critique diverge in their paths. And this is where I want to step in and provide some guidelines for providing a critique.

First, when giving a critique is important to not do a comparison.

A critique should be focused on the piece being presented, not the pieces that came before it, regardless of relevance. Focus on what is good and what could be improved with that piece. Using comparison has it's place, such as; the composition of the previous image was stronger than with this image. But to compare a Claude Monet is to a Tsukioka Yoshitoshi is the same thing that most critics do when comparing Harry Potter to the Lady in the Water or M. Night to Spielberg. M. Night and Spielberg's styles are different. When I want to see a Spielberg movie, I watch a Spielberg movie, not a Kevin Smith movie. Even comparing two movies from the same director is not a credible thing to do. Would you compare Jaws to Schindler's List. Both are Spielberg movies, so I should expect the same thing right?

My point is, a critique should be focused on the merits of the work being presented and nothing else.

Second; a critique should offer viable options for improvements.

Rather than the standard critic's modus operandi which is to simply point out the faults by saying something generic like "The composition is weak", a critique would include something like this; "I think the composition would be improved if the subject were either filling the frame or aligned to follow the rule of thirds.

Third; a critique should not be personalized.

In every critic's review of The Lady in the Water the critics were obviously pissed about M. Night's obvious panning of all movies critics everywhere. Let me give you a little back story. M. Night was panned heavily by critics for every movie made since The Sixth Sense; Unbreakable, Signs and The Village. So M. Night included a character in the Lady in the Water that is an unlikable, generally disgruntled film critic, which is how I image all critics lives truly are. This character is truly an unhappy character in the film and ends up having an unhappy time in the film.

I thought it was a great way for M. Night to show critics and his viewers, that he isn't a fan of the critics either. It was tongue and cheek, and funny. The critics didn't think so.

The critic for entertainment weekly, Lisa Schwarzbaum had this to say; "But while the subplot is an up-yours to actual critics and a wink-wink to civilians (who are likely to be busy enough keeping up with the nomenclature), the rise and fall of Mr. Farber results in something far punier: The amount of story time devoted to such an inconsequential naysayer emphasizes the movie's very smallness, its unease as a cohesive piece, and the inner creative discontent at its core. Why a filmmaker so gifted with talent as well as so fortunate in his success should scrunt and scratch his private itches in public — in front of the very audience that has lauded him — is a mystery too deep for this Muggle." 

There was a lot more to the subplot of the movie than just the "Up-yours" to critics, but that is what she focused on.

Even Roger Ebert himself had this to say; "I'm sorry. Don't believe me. I am the villain. OK, not me, precisely, but Film Criticism Itself, embodied by the splendid (movie critic word) Bob Balaban as Mr. Farber, who is this film's own resident newspaper movie critic, offering caustic, self-aware commentary on the shortcomings of "Lady in the Water" as it sloshes along. In Shyamalan's rickety mythology, Mr. Farber represents... well, nothing so much as the filmmaker's pre-emptive strike against the bad reviews he expects to receive for making this poorly written, stiffly directed, audience-insulting story-without-a-cause."

And again, personalizing the material as part of the critique makes Mr. Ebert no better than M. Night, the man he is being critical of.

Critics obviously took offense to that particular message M. Night shared in the movie, but then mentioning it only minimized all of the other comments they had made, whether the comments were valid or not.

Simply calling it out in their review with their childish belittling references showed they were holding a grudge over the entire movie. I personally applaud M. Night for including this subplot in his movie. He personalized the movie, made it part of his own experience and the whole scenario added a bit of humor to the movie.

The best thing that a critics could have done was laugh it off and move on. I mean seriously, if you can't be a critic of yourself, then how can you be a critic to someone else? People take themselves way too serious. I mean come on, they get paid to bitch about things. What is not funny about that?

As participants of a critique, we can't personalize things in other peoples works. It is important to address what is important in the feedback not turn a critique into a school yard brawl.

This is what I try and do with every critique. I am not a critic, but I can be critical. There is a difference between the two and that difference is more like a Grand Canyon's difference and not a fine line. This is one reason why I can enjoy almost all music. This is one reason why I can equally enjoy a movie like, "Movie 43" or "The Toxic Avenger" and at the same time say I like "Mall Rats" and say that I like "Saving Private Ryan", Schindler's List and all of the movies in between. I simply enjoy them for what they are and not for what they could have been.