Blah Blah Blah - Not this time.

It is that time of year again where photographers and artists around the world post up a ton of blah, blah blah crap about their new year's resolutions or their "best of the year" photos. I have been guilty of that over the years, but this year I am going to do something different. I am sharing what is happening with me right now. Why am I doing this? Because I don't know what my future will hold for me artistically and this is just a form a therapy, pure and simple.

See it has been two months without a single post. And much to my surprise my web sites stats have not changed all that much. See I only reach my friends with my blog posts and I am generally not posting up any useful content for them, just tripe that I shoot on an irregular basis mixed in with little nuggets of regurgitated wisdom. All of the remainder of the traffic, well the majority of the traffic, is there to grab my free presets I make available on the site.

This is why I haven't posted anything new for so long; I don't believe the Hallmark-esq photography diatribe any more. I also really haven't photographed anything that makes me say "Oh My Fucking Hell... That is the shot." And the OMFH response is important to me, not that others say it, but that I feel it when I look at my work and that hasn't happened since June at Crater Lake.

I have been on several shoots since then, one, recently, in which a friend of mine, Matt, arranged for me and another friend to go for a ride in the engine of the train. It truly was a glorious day in which a childhood dream of mine was fulfilled and I am truly thankful to Matt for making that happen for me and Rick. But I didn't shoot anything that I would make me say, "OMFH". And this has absolutely nothing to do with the opportunity Matt provided, because there was plenty to shoot but has everything to do with these reasons:

1. I have been in a creative slump for a long time. 
2. I have been in a creative transition of sorts, but am not happy there because my work is amateur at best.
3. I have been hyper-critical of all forms of my work. It is pisses me off to not be producing top notch work.
4. I have been dealing with a lot of personal and health related shit this year.

A lot of my creative slump has been due to my own disappointment with my own work. I am not inspired or challenged photographically as of late. My works feel repetitive, sloppy and just a like everything else I see and do anymore, it all feels like a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.

Did I get my point across there? Just in case, I will say it one more time; "Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy..." Even that is a copy... did you ever see the movie Fight Club? Yup... totally lifted that from there. Even the repetitive nature of the above was lifted from the movie, The Shining... remember the pages and pages of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"?

Nothing I do feels original any more. Nothing feels like me any more. It used to be when I picked up my camera it was like I was finally breathing and any time my camera wasn't in my hand, I was simply hold my breath. Now when I hold my camera it feel like I am lifting the mass of the sun. There is just so much effort in clicking that goddamn shutter. I am just like "Fuck!". And now when I do shoot, I just shoot eighteen frames of the same shoot, hold the shutter button down and let the camera fire until the buffer fills up and then I walk away saying to myself, "I am sure I got something." or "That's probably good." But the fact of the matter is that I don't give a fuck because whether I try or don't try all I am producing is pure Gungang shit. See that was a Star Wars reference... JarJar Binks was a gungang, and JarJar was the worst character George Lucas ever developed for Star Wars. But I digress.

I know, I know... I need to challenge myself more. I need to get a little GOYAS. I need to get out more. But alas I don't feel motivated to get out. I don't feel motivated to challenge myself. That is the Catch 22... If I get out more I will be inspired and will challenge myself, but I am not motivated to get out more and don't feel up to the challenge of being challenged and therefore I won't get motivated. And by motivated I mean I am antithesis of motivated. Look up unmotivated in the dictionary and you will see a picture of me not holding my camera. It feels a lot like falling up an endless downward spiral. It is painful.

I feel like I have shot everything, shot every style known to man, photographed every angle and thrown so many layers of shit on top of my photos that everything is getting bloated, blurry and unfocused... been there done that. This doesn't mean that I won't go shooting if someone asks me to go, I will, but not for the photography, but because of the social aspect of getting out and hanging with a friend.

I feel very withdrawn from people in general. Not my friends... I love and value the very few friends that I have in my life... and there aren't many, cause I can be kind of an ass at times, it's just who I am. But I am so tired of "doing" all the time. Go, go, go... but the destination is never reached. A never ending track, that seems to go in circles.

Recently, as a part of a veteran's program, I underwent some counseling, 3 whole hours worth because that is how valued our veterans are to our country. It revealed a lot about me but didn't do much to provide tools to deal with my issues. But what it did do was educate me. See, once I looked up the clinical definitions of what I was actually diagnosed with, I was shocked because it described me to a tee. One of the four diagnosis's I was given was PTSD, as the result of several events in my life and too many to count that happened during my four year my military career. Some of the shit I didn't even remember until certain questions from the therapist triggered these visceral memories, but even then I can't recall some specifics, like people's names. When I read the definition, I said to myself, "Holy shit. That is a small part of me in a nut shell." I say small part, because I and a lot like an Ogre, which happens to be like an onion... we all have many layers... and we usually stink and tend to make people cry.

How I function the way I do in the settings I inevitably put myself in I do not know, but it is just a series of masks I wear to do what I feel I need to do. I compartmentalize the stress, anxiety and myriad of other complex issues until I get done what I need to get done. But now I know why I collapse and shutdown for several hours after a short meeting of my photography club. I now know why I withdraw from my interests from time to time. I now know why I can sit in a dark room, staring at a computer screen just reading websites for hours on end while my wife sits down stairs alone. I have hit a wall. I now know why I can be obsessively interested in something for 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, or 5 years and then just suddenly detach all interest and walk away from it, sometimes burning bridges in the process. I know why, but I don't know how, or even if, I can fix it. All I can do is accept it that I am that way and cope.

I know why I don't teach as much as I used to. I know why I don't shoot as much as I used to. I know why I don't value my passions as much as I used to. I know why I am so hyper-critical of my own creations. But I don't know how to fix it. I mean look at me now, I am writing this at 3:20 AM instead of snuggling in my bed with my lovely wife getting a good night's sleep.

I spoke earlier this year about focusing on my health. I was and am serious about that one. And with the kick in the ass from my friend Rick, I am working on one aspect of my health now. I still have many others to work on, but at least this is a start.

I am not sure about my future in photography, but for the time being I can at least use it as an excuse to hang out with my friends. I don't know about my future in teaching, I may be done, but who knows, six months from now I might jump right back on that train. All I do know is that I feel a breaking point is being reached. I can hear it in my response to stressors. I can feel it in my reactions to people, especially negative people. I see it in the shit creative endeavors are producing. I can sense it in my detachment to various things that I was once passionate about.

I hope that one day I can get back on track, but for now I will continue wearing my masks, compartmentalizing my issues and focusing on my relationships with my family and friends and focusing on my health. Because that is truly what is important.

I wish you all the best in the coming year. I will find my way out of this funk I am in, I usually do. But for the time being, if don't see me with my camera in hand, you know why. Now to finally go to bed. It is 3:43 AM, time to get a few hours of sleep. Good night... or morning I guess.. technically.

The Critique Versus The Critic

I have been a longtime fan of film director M. Night Shyamalan. He has written, directed and sometimes even starred in some amazing movies over the years, including The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs, The Village and Lady in the Water.

M. Night is an amazing storyteller with deep characters that are always more than was the eyes can see. His movies always seem to be centralized around estranged difficult relationships that come together in moments of crisis or hardship. Another thing that M. Night is, is an artist in the purest form. He draws heavily on symbolism, story and prose. His visual imagery is soft, suggestive and moving. I did say that I was a fan, didn't I?

Yet M. Night movies are always razed by critics and moviegoers alike. In this digital age, everyone seems to be a critic and nobody on the planet seems to be a vocal fan of M. Night's work even though his box office numbers are not slouchy at all. The Sixth Sense brought in $293 million in the box office. Signs brought in $227 million. The Village brought in $114 million. Yet critics panned his movies except for the The Sixth Sense.

Roger Ebert referenced The Sixth Sense as; "The Sixth Sense" has a kind of calm, sneaky self-confidence that allows it to take us down a strange path, intriguingly." Entertainment weekly said, "It's a psychological thriller that actually thrills."

For his review of The Village, Roger Ebert opened his review by saying, ""The Village" is a colossal miscalculation, a movie based on a premise that cannot support it, a premise so transparent it would be laughable were the movie not so deadly solemn. It's a flimsy excuse for a plot, with characters who move below the one-dimensional and enter Flatland."

Entertainment weekly opened it's review of The Village with; "What an irony -- and a shame -- it would be if ''The Sixth Sense'' turns out to be the movie that first made and then ruined the career of M. Night Shyamalan." There is not a single mention of the movie's [The Village] title being reviewed, see it here.

For his review of The Lady in the Water, Roger Ebert had this to say. "The key to deciphering M. Night Shyamalan's fractured fairy tale, "Lady in the Water," is to remember that it is rooted in the mythology of Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report."... The director's deficiencies as a visual storyteller are also on fine display.... Shyamalan could learn from Spielberg and Brian De Palma." Rooted in the mythology of Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report? What the hell does that mean?

Entertainment Weekly had this to say about The Lady in the Water. "Muggledom runs amok in Lady in the Water, Shyamalan's most alienating and self-absorbed project to date. His most fanciful, too, since the narrative springs from a fairy tale the director made up for his two daughters" I don't understand why, but these first few sentences, that start with a Harry Potter reference, comes after two long paragraphs talking about all of M. Night's previous films with vague references to M. Night selling out by becoming American Expresses spokesperson. Don't believe me? See it here.

Critics have become a form of entertainment in and of themselves for the most part. Whether it is a movie, music, book or art critic, they all seem to be on the same negative page. Rather than critiquing a piece as a stand alone subject, they have to reference it to other works by the artist, or even other artists. Why is it that Lisa Schwarzbaum, the Entertainment Weekly critic for The Lady in the Water had to throw a Harry Potter reference in for a review of a movie that had absolutely nothing to do with the Potter franchise.

One of the defining characteristics of a critic is their job title; Critic. The dictionary definition of critic, the first definition listed is; "a person who expresses an unfavorable opinion of something". So by definition, their job is to complain about other people's work. Period.

A critique is defined as; a detailed analysis and assessment of something, esp. a literary, philosophical, or political theory. So this means the good and bad should be discussed as a part of the critiquing process.

And that is where a critic and a critique diverge in their paths. And this is where I want to step in and provide some guidelines for providing a critique.

First, when giving a critique is important to not do a comparison.

A critique should be focused on the piece being presented, not the pieces that came before it, regardless of relevance. Focus on what is good and what could be improved with that piece. Using comparison has it's place, such as; the composition of the previous image was stronger than with this image. But to compare a Claude Monet is to a Tsukioka Yoshitoshi is the same thing that most critics do when comparing Harry Potter to the Lady in the Water or M. Night to Spielberg. M. Night and Spielberg's styles are different. When I want to see a Spielberg movie, I watch a Spielberg movie, not a Kevin Smith movie. Even comparing two movies from the same director is not a credible thing to do. Would you compare Jaws to Schindler's List. Both are Spielberg movies, so I should expect the same thing right?

My point is, a critique should be focused on the merits of the work being presented and nothing else.

Second; a critique should offer viable options for improvements.

Rather than the standard critic's modus operandi which is to simply point out the faults by saying something generic like "The composition is weak", a critique would include something like this; "I think the composition would be improved if the subject were either filling the frame or aligned to follow the rule of thirds.

Third; a critique should not be personalized.

In every critic's review of The Lady in the Water the critics were obviously pissed about M. Night's obvious panning of all movies critics everywhere. Let me give you a little back story. M. Night was panned heavily by critics for every movie made since The Sixth Sense; Unbreakable, Signs and The Village. So M. Night included a character in the Lady in the Water that is an unlikable, generally disgruntled film critic, which is how I image all critics lives truly are. This character is truly an unhappy character in the film and ends up having an unhappy time in the film.

I thought it was a great way for M. Night to show critics and his viewers, that he isn't a fan of the critics either. It was tongue and cheek, and funny. The critics didn't think so.

The critic for entertainment weekly, Lisa Schwarzbaum had this to say; "But while the subplot is an up-yours to actual critics and a wink-wink to civilians (who are likely to be busy enough keeping up with the nomenclature), the rise and fall of Mr. Farber results in something far punier: The amount of story time devoted to such an inconsequential naysayer emphasizes the movie's very smallness, its unease as a cohesive piece, and the inner creative discontent at its core. Why a filmmaker so gifted with talent as well as so fortunate in his success should scrunt and scratch his private itches in public — in front of the very audience that has lauded him — is a mystery too deep for this Muggle." 

There was a lot more to the subplot of the movie than just the "Up-yours" to critics, but that is what she focused on.

Even Roger Ebert himself had this to say; "I'm sorry. Don't believe me. I am the villain. OK, not me, precisely, but Film Criticism Itself, embodied by the splendid (movie critic word) Bob Balaban as Mr. Farber, who is this film's own resident newspaper movie critic, offering caustic, self-aware commentary on the shortcomings of "Lady in the Water" as it sloshes along. In Shyamalan's rickety mythology, Mr. Farber represents... well, nothing so much as the filmmaker's pre-emptive strike against the bad reviews he expects to receive for making this poorly written, stiffly directed, audience-insulting story-without-a-cause."

And again, personalizing the material as part of the critique makes Mr. Ebert no better than M. Night, the man he is being critical of.

Critics obviously took offense to that particular message M. Night shared in the movie, but then mentioning it only minimized all of the other comments they had made, whether the comments were valid or not.

Simply calling it out in their review with their childish belittling references showed they were holding a grudge over the entire movie. I personally applaud M. Night for including this subplot in his movie. He personalized the movie, made it part of his own experience and the whole scenario added a bit of humor to the movie.

The best thing that a critics could have done was laugh it off and move on. I mean seriously, if you can't be a critic of yourself, then how can you be a critic to someone else? People take themselves way too serious. I mean come on, they get paid to bitch about things. What is not funny about that?

As participants of a critique, we can't personalize things in other peoples works. It is important to address what is important in the feedback not turn a critique into a school yard brawl.

This is what I try and do with every critique. I am not a critic, but I can be critical. There is a difference between the two and that difference is more like a Grand Canyon's difference and not a fine line. This is one reason why I can enjoy almost all music. This is one reason why I can equally enjoy a movie like, "Movie 43" or "The Toxic Avenger" and at the same time say I like "Mall Rats" and say that I like "Saving Private Ryan", Schindler's List and all of the movies in between. I simply enjoy them for what they are and not for what they could have been.

Happy Halloween and Anniversary To My First Bride and Groom

It was three years ago today that I shot my first wedding as the primary photographer and what a lucky photographer I was to have that wedding be my cherry popper. I had shot several weddings as a second and third shooter, but as the primary I was a virgin before this event.

Nicki and Rich are a wonderful couple. He is a musician and she is a horror-movie-loving-comic-book-collecting-trekkie-fanatic that truly go together like bacon and... well bacon goes with anything now doesn't it. They are like bacon with a side of bacon.

Their wedding was simple, sweet and matched their personalities to a tee. They were married on Halloween. It was hailed as a "Converse" wedding, which means all guests were asked to wear Converse Shoes, just like Rich is wearing in the image on the left. Yup. This is what the bride and groom wore for their wedding. How absolutely cool is that.

Most guests did wear their converse shoes as well as Halloween costumes.

Nicki and Rich didn't want anything too fancy for the photos, but I couldn't help myself but play a little. It was a little awkward to ask Nicki to climb up on the pool table, she was wearing a skirt after all.

But with a little help from friends, she climbed up assumed the pose and I was able to capture this sweet moment.

Congratulations Nicki and Rich. Three years ago today you both said I do and have been doing it ever since. Best wishes to both of you in the coming years of your lives together. May those year be filled with the happiness and joy you both more than deserve.

So three years later, and I am no longer shooting weddings, at least I am not pursuing them. Weddings still find me on rare occasion and I am happy to raise my camera to support someone's special day, but now, for the most part, I am shooting more for myself, more for art.

At the beginning of the month I attended a weekend-long photography retreat on the Oregon Coast.

I had brought props with me that I picked up at the local Halloween shop in hopes to create some wonderful images.

With the help of my friend Matt's flash and remote triggers I was able to do just that.

The props were two blank cupie doll masks, one black and one white. They represent a face of horror that still scares the living crap out of me to this day and I don't know why. The why isn't as important as the fact that they scare me I guess.

Equipped with the masks, my camera and Matt's flash gear I headed into the woods alone and started shooting.

The focus was to create mood with the light and a scary sense of wonder. After shooting a little bit with the masks hanging on a tree, my wife wandered over to me and asked if she could help.

She put on a mask and posed in an old tree fort.The image on right is exactly what I had hoped to get from the masks. My wife can be a scary muse for me at times, even though she has not a horrific bone in her body... outside of our shared love of horror films.

Thank you for the help sweetie. You made my goals come true, once again.

A Little Black and White Love in the middle Autumn colors....

Haunted Dreams

It has been so long since I have grabbed my camera with the intention of creating anything remotely artistic. I lacked inspiration, motivation or even basic discipline to GOYAS.

I have actually been on a vacation of sorts for the last few weeks. I have spent my time recovering from a wild six months of constant going. I ended up getting sick during this vacation, a cold or two, but have truly enjoyed the down time. So much so that I decided to join my photography group out in the field for a shooting event.

The air was brisk. The mist hung low. The colors set afire. The light of the sun kissed the yellow and orange leaves giving them a sensual radiant glow against the backdrop of the dark evergreens, firs and pines in the area.

So what did I do? I chose to ignore the color at first and focused on shape and form. I focused on the light and shadow. I focused on motion and lines. Well that was at first.

Reflections Along the Line

Once I got my abstract black and white completed I turned my focus to the color at hand.

The combination of the rising sun, morning fog, autumn colors and a train track, I could help myself but to bring all those elements together.

In this shot, I saw the trees reflecting on the cold, hard steel creating a line within a line, both leading to a vanishing point.

I chose the off-kilter composition because the line of the track moves center through the frame to the vanishing point in the upper rule of thirds marker which was important for what I was trying to accomplish.

Finally I threw some post processing filters on to soften the image a bit and give the sense of peace, calm and serenity to the scene, like bundling up next to a cozy fire.

Vacant Seasons

Finally, because it is the season of the witch, I used a couple of props on the tracks to capture the season that is Halloween. Using the masks and the fall colors allowed me to combine the feel of black and white along with color photography to make a stark contrast between the the subjects and the backdrop.

The season is always so short, but beautiful. It feels good to get out and enjoy photography again with my friends.

2014 Goals Starting Now: Life, Balance, Simplicity

For 2014, starting in November 2013, my focus is going to be sharply different than in the past. I need to focus on different aspects of my life. I have been spending the last month reflecting on why my stress levels were so high, my creativity was so low and my creative drive was gone.

My life is typically like a pendulum, extreme in one direction or the other. And right now the pendulum has be way off in one direction. It is time to make a real effort to center myself. This means making sure my life doesn't swing in the opposite direction.

So in an effort to find that center, I have three focus points for the coming year; Life, Balance, Simplicity

Life
I will focus more prioritizing what is truly important in my life. My family, my health and my art is where my focus will be first and foremost.

My wife and children are the most important things in my life. And in the last half-decade my wife and children has fallen down on my list of priorities, most of the time coming second or third, and have been sacrificed time and again in the name of other obligations. 2014 is going to see a shift in this prioritization which is going to require me to ensure that happens. This means that my own perceptions of the expectations on me will have to change. This is going to be difficult, but it is something I need to do. Moving forward my family is getting 4 evenings a week of my time; unplugged and not distracted, unconditionally.

Additionally, I was so busy this year that my own backyard went without the maintenance it needs so badly, as did many other household things. If something wasn't left in disrepair it is because my wife picked up my slack. This too is changing. So one day per month is being dedicated to home/yard maintenance. This will be the last Saturday of each month.

Sunday is going to be my day of rest. Rest is important for me. It allows me to recoup from a typically exhausting week. It allows me to vanquish my stress built up from the previous week. A day of rest allows me to prepare for the coming week. This doesn't necessarily mean sitting on my ass all day, it means focusing on healthy aspects of my life; friends, family and art.

My health has gotten to a point that if I don't make a change now, I won't be around for my family and friends much longer. I need time and energy to focus on both aspects of my health; mental and physical. Energy is almost as hard to come by for me as time is for everyone else, so this is going to require me to again shift my priorities to ensure I have the energy to spend on improving my health. I am going to dedicate 1 hour a day, three days a week, to my own mental health and another hour to my physical health, again three days a week, via exercise and meditation/writing. This will leave me with that seventh day for rest.

My art has been ignored now for far too long. Personal projects have been ignored and set aside for other priorities for far too long. This has created an imbalance, because at the heart of my being, creating is simply for me; breathing. I haven't been able to breathe as much as I need to for far too long, I am either out of breath or have stopped breathing altogether for very long stretches. As an example, the last time I picked up my camera to shoot with intent of creating art was in August and my results then were ho-hum. Creating provides me an expressive outlet and a way to release stress and find satisfaction in this world. Creating helps with emotional balance, e.g. mental health. I have projects that I need to get developed, simply for me, and I need time and energy to develop these.

Balance
Balance is finding that place in life where things are in equal proportions. My health is poor, my art is ignored, my family is sacrificed and at the end of the day, I am exhausted with no energy for anything or anyone. My life is imbalanced. Balance requires saying yes. At the same time balance requires saying no. No has always been a difficult word for me to use. I love saying yes, but to the point that yes becomes too much, even for me. My life over the past decade has been far too many yeses and in doing so I have been passively been saying no to other, more important things, without actually saying no. In my quest for balance, my yeses are going to based on the following evaluation:
1. Does this yes involve me sacrificing my relationships with family/friends?
2. Does this yes involve me sacrificing my dedication to my personal health?
3. Does this yes involve me sacrificing my dedication to my personal art?

If the evaluation requires a sacrifice of two or more of those three things, the answer will likely be no, but not automatically.

I know that this is something new to consider for some. And while my "No(s)" will obviously impact many people, it will positively impact the people in my life that truly matter my family and friends. Each request for obligation will be evaluated and measured against what is happening at the time, so please don't think that

Simplicity
I need to return to a keeping my life simple. I can't take on these over-zealous projects of epic proportions. I can't physically keep up with the demands of a life that requires me to be on the go for 5 straight months 16 hours a day.

Simplicity for me is about having time away from the demands of others. Time where I can just sit back and not stress about what isn't being done and who isn't doing it, what needs to be done and why it needs to be, and being available to everyone all the time via text, email and phone. This will stop. If need be, people can wait a day or two before I get back to them. I have to accept that and own that. This doesn't mean that people can't contact me, it means I own how and when I respond to them. See how simple that is?

In my quest to find simplicity I am going to let go of my self-applied pressures to go big or stay home. I am going to hand ownership of things to others. I am going to tell myself I don't have to be everything to everyone all the time. I am going to focus on those individuals and projects that are important.

Big Question
So the big question on everyone's mind, including my own, is what does this mean to SDPG? It is obvious that SDPG is important to the community that it serves and it is important to me. But at the same time it has been a source of much of the imbalance in my life. It has also been a source of rewarding accomplishments, valued friendships and tremendous growth for me.

I won't be abandoning SDPG, but my involvement will change, which means my role will be redefined. I will let go of some of my "ownership" of the group. I hope that wasn't read wrong. I do not own the group? I have never owned the group, but I have taken a personal ownership of the success of the group and that is the ownership I am referencing. I want to make this clear; SDPG is not my group. SDPG is a group that I belong to. Five years ago I joined the group to grow my photography skills and meet like minded people to learn with. A few months later I was unwillingly thrust into a leadership role within the organization.

Now I realize that I used the words "unwillingly thrust into a leadership role". I know that this could come with some misinterpretation so I would like to clarify what I meant.

I didn't know enough about photography to lead a photography club. I didn't know the first thing about leading any club, let alone a photography club. I was not a people person. I was not a public speaker. I was unreliable as hell. I was simply a person who found something special in the SDPG. I was simply a person who didn't want SDPG to go away when the original leadership needed to focus on the health of his family. I was asked to take on a leadership role in the organization and stepped up to ensure it would be around for a little while longer. And my first order of business was to recruit six others to help lead the group, two of which were previously helping lead one aspect or more of the group.

As a result of my role, I learned more about photography in the first year than I had in the previous 16 years combined. Why? Because I had to teach others, so I needed to know what the hell I was talking about. As a result of my role, I learned about how to run a small organization (mainly through trial and error; and boy did we make a lot of errors.). I learned about how to deal with growing pains of a group as its size grew at a rapid rate. As a result of my role, I learned how to deal with my anxiety around other people. As a result of my role, I learned how to publicly speak and be comfortable with it, mistakes and all. As a result of my role, I learned how to be reliable by meeting my commitments.

I have learned so much from SDPG and for that I am eternally grateful. But alas, I have taken the group as far as I can take it. I have hit a barrier as far as my own capabilities and availabilities. The group needs more, deserves more and is eager for more. There is the catch. My availability doesn't match the growing needs of the group. I have stretched my rubberband of time (availability) and stressed it to the point of breaking. This summer is when I felt that rubber band snap back and bite me; in a alarming way.

I talked with my friend, and one of the fellow leaders of the SDPG, Rick, and together we decided I needed to take the entire month of October off, which happened for the most part. And during this time I reflected on what I can do for the group moving forward and equally important, what I won't be able to do for the group to ensure I can meet the three objectives for 2014 outlined above.

So I will be working with the group to establish boundaries. I will be working with the group to identify additional leaders who can step in and take on events/tasks that I won't be able to do next year. I will be working with the group to get others to own planning and executing events. This requires me to let go, to hand off, to trust. The needs of the group are simple; teach/learn/shoot/often. All the group needs is people that find the group as important as I did five years ago.

SDPG has a strong membership with quality people who are as passionate about the group and photography as I was when I started with the group. It is time for those members to be given the chance to step up and help take the group to the next level.

So as I head into November; life, balance and simplicity will be my modus-operandi.

Hello. My name is Steven and this is my art. This is me breathing.

Retreating Away with Other Wonderful Creatives

2013 brought about many wonderful things. One of them was the 2nd Annual Photography Retreat hosted by Salem Digital Photo Group.

This year's attendance almost tripled the first year's event and everything executed beautifully. We started the weekend on the beach for Sunset on Friday night.

Then we moved to the lake for some late night starry sky shooting.

We awoke Saturday morning to a beautiful morning sunrise shoot followed by some yummy breakfast.

We moved to shooting the myriad of species of mushrooms sprouting up all over the camp.

Lunch came and then naps ensued for some, like me.

Then came more shooting and post processing.

Dinner came and we ate like kings and then our second sunset of the weekend was captured.

We ended the day with a stunning slideshow of wonderful works attendees had created.

Some of us then snuck out at night to hit the beach for some long exposure on the night sky. The stars shone bright that night.

 

Sunday morning came early. But many captured sunrise before breakfast.

We ate breakfast packed up our gear and headed home.

It was a truly amazing weekend with some truly amazing people willing to help, share and create.

I can't wait for next year. It is truly an amazing weekend to spend with some amazing friends.

I want to close this post by thanking our gracious hosts at Camp Magruder, Steve (Camp Director) and Amy (Events Coordinator) for making our stay a special weekend for all involved. These two people rock it like no other. And of course the cooks of camp... for without them, our bellies would not have been full. :) Thank you to everyone that made this event a huge success.

Things I have learned as a photographer

Everyone should compile a list like this just to gain an understanding of where they have come from so they can appreciate how far they have come. It is a simple thing to do really… just think back to the beginning of your adventure in photography and itemize all of those Aha moments you have experienced.

My list is really easy to compile. So here it is; "The fifty-five things I have learned that help me be a better photographer".

1. A better camera does not always mean better pictures. Many times I have seen some of the best photos captured with a cheap little point and shoot camera or even a phone.

2. Experiment. Ask yourself "What if?" all the time. What if I get down on the ground? What if I get closer? What if I apply this filter in photoshop? This is how you learn on your own.

3. Experimentation is best done on your own time. In-other-words don't commit to something, especially if you are being paid, if you have not successfully done it before without fully disclosing to customer your lack of experience

4. Shoot for yourself. Photography, like all other forms of art, is strictly objective. Unless you are shooting a commissioned piece, shoot for yourself. Do not disregard criticism completely, but rather use that criticism as a way learning new ways of doing things, as different perspective. Most importantly do not take criticism to mean you are not a good photographer. On the other side of the coin;

5. Never compare other people's work to your own. Treat each piece as a unique piece of art. You wouldn't compare a Van Gogh to a Jackson Pollack.

6. The only two things a photographer cannot have enough of: Batteries and Patience.

7. Three lenses that will allow you to shoot anything, anywhere, anytime: 50mm f/1.8, 17-50mm f/2.8 and a 500mm telephoto. Everything can be shot with these three lenses.

8. Take a camera everywhere. This does not mean take your DSLR, all lenses, flashes and tripod. This means at least carry a point and shoot with you at all times. Even if you may not get the shot you want, you can take a visual record of a place or event to revisit in the future.

9. Take a notepad and pencil with you everywhere you go and especially everywhere you photograph. Make notes on lighting, subjects, objects and or places of interest. Make notes on specific settings you use while shooting.

10. Photography will not make you famous.

11. Don't shoot anything that isn't of interest to you. If you do not find people interesting, your photos of people probably won't be interesting, regardless of how "good" you are.

12. Allow your emotions to help your photography. Let's face it, photography is art and art is meant to create emotion in the viewer. If you are having a bad day, good day, emotional rollercoaster of day or just a blah day, allow what you are feeling to be conveyed in the work you are doing.

13. NEVER STOP LEARNING!

14. Believe in your talents.

15. Unless you are shooting action shots like sports, children and active wild-life (where they tend not to take the time to perform just for you), take the time to compose. Composition makes or breaks a shot.

16. Use software as a tool, not as a crutch.

17. Wherever you are going and whatever you are doing, always take the time to observe.

19. Know your camera. If you don't know it; learn it.

20. It is always the photographer who makes the image what it is, not the camera. Take ownership of that.

21. Always dress for the weather; plus one extra layer just in case.

22. Print your images 8x10 or larger. The results will impress you.

23. Write about photography. Keep a journal of your advendures in photography. Writing in and of itself is a learning process and in writing about photography you will find there is still a lot to learn.

24. Know your light.

25. If you have an idea that you don't think will work; try it. In the age of digital, it is relatively free.

26. Take photos of yourself. You are a model that doesn't cost anything.

27. Always carry a tripod, you may need it.

28. Get your camera off the tripod! Sometimes it is the only way to get the shot.

29. Take the time to observe the place you are shooting before shooting.

30. Set realistic goals. To do this, learn about the trade. Learn about the industry. Use this knowledge to set goals for yourself that are achievable.

31. Take care of your equipment. For without it you are as useful as a painter without a brush or a pianist without a piano.

32. Join a local photo group. If one does not exist, form one and lead it.

33. As your own worst critic, be kind to yourself.

34. Study other people's styles, but develop your own and stick to it. Although your style will change over the years, it should continually be changing, but it should be yours. Would you want to watch the same movie over and over? How about read the same book over and over and over again? People don't want to look at the same photos or photo styles over and over either. They want variety and most of all; they want to see something new.

35. Learn to harness your creative energies. If you seem to be running low it is probably because you are in a rut. Do something different. Anything at all, but different.

36. When you are asked to criticize, be kind but be truthful.

37. Get out and shoot. There are 100 million excuses to not go shooting, but excuses are like armpits. Everyone has a couple and they usually stink so get out there.

38. Don't be afraid to expose yourself a little (not literally as this may get your photo taken at the local police station). Show the world a little about who you are in every photo you take.

39. Learn how to use your histogram. Can I get an Amen?

40. Always... and I repeat; Always... shoot in Camera RAW.

41. A good photographer doesn't just pick up a camera one day and shoot prize winning photographs. It takes time and practice to become a good photographer.

42. If you are approaching photography properly, the best photo is the photos you will take tomorrow.

43. Learn the rules of photography first, then;

44. Learn when it is okay break the rules of photography. Rules are not laws. Therefore, rules are meant to be broken.

45. Don't dwell on your failures. Learn from them and move on to the next. Always looking forward and drawing on the past only to improve.

46. People in a photograph can make many photographs better. People can add scale, character and life to an otherwise bland scene. Don't be afraid or frustrated about people in an area where you are going to be photographing.

47. When given praise for your photographs, accept the praise for what it is; someone likes your talent. Look the person in the eye and say, "Thank you, I am happy you enjoyed it".

48. As the saying goes, "Even the most important person in the world has to sit on the toilet at some point." Even the most successful photographer has embarrassing moments in photography. Not all of Ansel Adams' works were masterpieces; we only get to see the ones that were.

49. When commenting on someone else's photograph try letting the person what in particular you like about photograph. It doesn't have to sound sophisticated, but it will be much more appreciated that "Wow" or "Beautiful".

50. Regardless of your accomplishments, there will always be people around that do not appreciate your work. Whether it is your style, subject or you personally, someone is not going to like the work you produce. Focus on those that do appreciate it, but don't ignore those that don't as they are your path for growth.

51. Clouds make a sky more interesting.

52. Snapshot is a bad word to a photographer.

53. HDR has its place. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

54. Never delete a photograph off your camera. Wait to preview on your monitor it when you get home. The little LCD on the back of the camera will never do an image justice.

55. Don't be lazy! If it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing because everyone would be doing it.

There you have it. The fifty-five things I have learned about photography. I hope that you found at least one these useful.

Until next time... happy clicking!

A Little Vacation Time

It is time for me to take a little vacation from my busy life. It is time for some down time. It's has been two years of non-stop activity and go-go-go and it is time, so in the month of Sept, I am taking the month off from blogging. I am focusing on family and creating again. I will resume with my blogging activities again in October.

Until then... keep creating.

Wallpaper Wednesday - Diamond Peak over Crescent Lake

Download 16x9 Format

This week's free wallpaper is a black and white if Diamond Peak rising above Crescent Lake. It is available in 16x9 format only and can be downloaded using the link beneath the sample image on the left.

My Aha Moment

It turns out that more than just friends and family read my blog.

Last month I was asked to participate in filming a video for Mutual of Omaha's "Aha Moment" ad campaign. The producer emailed me saying that she was reading my blog and said that she thought that I might have an "Aha Moment" to share and asked if I would be interested. A few weeks later I met with the producer and film crew and sat down for 20 minute chat about my aha moment. The rest is history.

It was a lot of fun and I got to keep a souvenir from the whole the event. After watching the video, you can read the entire story on my About page and see the image that I called "Enlightenment".

Many people ask me about where my creative drive comes from. This story is the source of that drive.

Many people also ask me why they should have a blog. Well, you never know what opportunities might open for you.

Free Wallpaper Wednesday - Crater Lake: Inspiration to Connect

Download the 16x9 Version

This week's free wallpaper is a reminder for everyone about the true meaning of Photography... Connecting. It is available in 16x9 format only and can be downloaded using the link beneath the sample image on the left.

Revisiting Crater Lake - A Personal Essay

I miss the pure simplicity of that weekend by Crater Lake. No stress. No obligations. No demands.

No car issues, no family issues, no sick pets.

No constant emails telling me this or that; or asking for this or that.

No neglected yard work screaming at me every time I look out the window.

This was my view.

It was simply a weekend between 6 friends, with their cameras, and absolute beauty to behold and capture. Wonderful memories I shared with 5 other individuals that will never be forgotten.

That is what Photography is supposed to be about.

Photography isn't about your deadlines.
Photography isn't about filling up your memory card.
Photography isn't about your next showing.
Photography isn't about your next sale.
Photography isn't about your new gear or even your next piece of gear.
Photography isn't about sharing every single image you have ever shot in your entire life.

Photography is about connecting.

Connecting with the world around you.
Connecting with the people around you.
Connecting with yourself.

When was the last time you connected?
When is the next time you will be connected?

When are you going to abandon the concept that you could be a better photographer?
Accept that you are a better photographer.

You know what you are doing.

You simply have to do it.

Now get it done!

Wallpaper Wednesday - After the Storm

Download the 16x9 version

This week's free wallpaper is sunset on the farm. This shot was taken following a wonderful thunderstorm. It is available for download in the widescreen format only.

Coming Back From A Creative Near Death Experience

It has been nearly three years since I wrote the three part essay, “The Death of Creativity”. Three years has seen my own creativity ebb and flow like a sine wave; deep dark valley’s rise to high peaks which crash down again; rinse and repeat. During those three years some amazing and some very difficult things happened to me. And all during this time I have been studying the effects of the destructive impact my own actions and in-actions as well as people and events have had on my creativity.

As you might recall from the original article I called out the education system and parents on the complete failure in developing the right brain in young minds. Little did I know that my little introspective essay would spawn so many discussions. I am finding that what I wrote about three years ago rang true then and remains true today, only now that I am three years wiser from my experiences, I see that it is a way of the world and not just limited to the education system.

Here is a little insight to who I am. For me, creating is like breathing. I cannot live without it. I have been creative my whole life. Sometimes I created openly but mostly I created privately. In high school I was in all three choirs and an active member of the drama club. I spent much of my free time during my four years in the military writing poetry, lyrics and composing music. I also wrote quite a bit of fictional stories for a small D&D club I was an active member of. I had boxes and boxes of these writings, poetry, music and musings that ended up being tossed in the dumpster by a girlfriend after I got out of the military. 

Then, when I got into Computer Gaming, I became creative again developing maps, levels and even entire mods for existing games some of which were actually used by the gaming organization I co-founded. I starting writing fiction again in my 30s, which I stopped doing after my now ex-wife read a particularly dark piece and stopped and looked at me with a particularly worried expression and said, “I am not sure if I know who you are.”

Creating is my sustenance in this life.

So let me jump to three years ago…

I was so burned out in my day job. In addition to working 72 hours a week and being the only after-hours support person 24/7/365; I had nothing left . Vacations were a joke as I was tethered to my job via a cell phone. After talking it over with my wife, we made the decision in August that I quit my job in the coming December and I would pursue a career in photography. I would go back to school to join in the Visual Communication program at the local community college and I would make a go at a creative career.

I published the “Death of Creativity…” article on my blog. A few short weeks later, in October, I was laid off from my employer. After the buyout of the company, the new owners decided to eliminate my position.This was a blessing as I was quitting two months anyways. Since I was laid off and I didn’t quit, I got a nice unexpected severance package on top of my expected 401k disbursement and I was eligible for unemployment. Again, this was an unexpected blessing.

I took my payout, purchased $4,000 worth of gear for my business and banked the rest to live on for the next six months while I collected unemployment. My first booked gig as a full time photographer was a wedding for a friend two weeks later. I did it pro-bono. My next gig was a free portrait session with a friend. My third session was a free pet portrait session with a friend.

Before I knew it friends of my friends were asking for a free or heavily discounted portrait sessions. I don’t blame them at all. I could have easily said no. The problem was mine. I got stuck in never-ending cycle of portfolio development with my friends.

The straw for me was after the holidays. People I considered friends had their first grand-baby delivered. I offered to shoot photos for them at the cost of the prints. What happened next confounded me. My wife and I meet them for drinks and the new grandma breaks out her iPhone and shows us twenty new photos of her new grand-baby watermarked by a local mall photography shop known for treating customers like cattle. I know she paid well over $150 dollars for the package and the photos were sub-par to what my personal standards are and my print package was only going to cost $45 and deliver twice the number of prints including a 16x20, which is twice as big as the biggest print they actually got.

After this I seriously looked at what I was doing wrong. I needed to know why I couldn't compete for a “friend’s” business against a cookie cutter shop known for poor customer service and where I provided 3x the value, not only in customer service, but also in tangible product. I did not have an answer and they stopped talking to us shortly after that so I never got the answer I needed.

I started by seriously questioning my work. My work quality was good. My pricing was on par for the region. I found no answers there.

I looked at my marketing. My marketing was obviously lacking. I couldn't afford to drop $800 a month for a newspaper ad. My online marketing was hitting the big two; Twitter and Facebook or as I like to call it; friends and friends of friends. But even when I had an article appear in the paper about my veteran owned business the only response I got to the article outside of congrats from friends was a creepy letter from a State Prison inmate, serving life asking for me to help publish his prison art. It was creepy because in the first paragraph he said, “What caught my attention first were your striking eyes.”  That had a stalker element that made me feel uncomfortable and then to find out he is serving a life sentence.

In the end it came down to I failed to market myself. Now I know that I can’t market myself out of a wet paper bag with a box cutter and a chainsaw.

Since wedding and portrait photography was not working out, I decided to follow my heart and passion and turn 100% of my focus on the fine art side of photography. I really wanted to get in touch with creating emotionally compelling pieces so I signed up for a workshop for photographers based loosely on the Artist Way. That decision was a blessing and a mistake for me personally. The blessing is that I made deep friendships that remain to this day. The mistake was that I jumped in with my whole being and the workshop did not deal with any of psychological issues that come up naturally as part of the Artists Way. The instructor had no intention of dealing with those issues during the 7 week workshop and I was not prepared for the emotional baggage that swept me into a cyclone of selfish loathing and self-destruction.  

Our money started running out and my family started to live only on my minuscule unemployment and my wife’s equally minuscule salary. Since I was drawing unemployment, I followed the rules. I applied for three jobs weekly. It took six months from when I was “laid off” to finally get a call to an interview for a job I really didn't want; I mean I am a photographer artist after all.

I interviewed, because unemployment rules said I had to. Two weeks later I get called and offered a different job with the same business. It was for less money; and by less I mean a 50% pay cut from what I made at my previous position. I can’t decline the job because I will lose my unemployment which would mean my family and I would be homeless in two months or less. I reluctantly accepted the position kicking and screaming the whole way. The deep depression began its dark onset.

Things spiraled completely out of control for the next six months. I announced my resignation from the board of my local photography club and agreed to hand over the position to another individual. I withdrew from any and all shooting opportunities. I stopped painting. I stopped drawing. I stopped everything but the one thing I should have stopped; blogging.

If you ever want to know who your true friends are, have a public emotional breakdown like I did. I made the mistake of blogging my breakdown. My blog was automatically published to Twitter, Facebook and eventually Google+. I was really trying to get a grip on myself and express the feelings I was experiencing, and begging for help because I lacked the tools to do it alone.

Those that are not true friends or are simply using you will scatter like cockroaches when the light turns on. I understand the scatter effect to some extent. The professionals I had relationships with were simply protecting their reputation and had a business first mindset. The “friends” I thought I had simply shielded themselves from my far-too-numerous-to-count moments of W.T.F.!

But when my best friend of 10 years, who was also the best man at my wedding, literally broke up with me via a Facebook message, claiming that he couldn't be a part of what I had become; well I was stunned. I felt judged by the one person who didn't normally judge. I got angry at that moment and I developed  a “Fuck You” chip on my shoulder for anyone who challenged me and that only made things worse. Friends began telling me I was selfish and uncaring and I eventually pulled away from them. This all fed into a destructive cycle that led me to rock bottom both creatively and emotionally.

I lost several business partnerships with people I at one time respected and trusted. I gave up my share of the studio I shared with other artist because I could not afford to rent a space, as beautiful as it was, when it made no money what-so-ever. I lost a business partner that I was developing a weekend long workshop with as he decided to take his ideas and my ideas and find someone else to execute them with after deciding that he didn't want to be associated with me. This particular relationship came to a head several months later in which he publicly declared I plagiarized him. It got ugly for a brief moment or two.

Then my wife quit her crappy job, with my support, because they treated their employees like shit. But that meant no unemployment for her because she quit. So her income vanished.

People stopped calling me altogether. Life became lonely. Life became quiet for a few months. Lonely was not a good feeling, as it rarely is. But quiet; quiet allowed me to heal. I kind of went off the grid for a few months as I worked things out and found a balance between this return to an office job I had to have to keep my family cared for and where my passion was. I started painting, drawing and creating again, quietly. In the fall, almost one year to the day that I was laid off, I rejoined and resumed my former role with the leadership team of my photography group.

Within a year of getting my new job, my wife and I were on the brink of complete financial ruin. I sold most of my photography studio equipment and that combined with help from a friend we were able to hold on until my wife was able to get a short termed position, which lasted a month. But once she was done with the job she got unemployment. Her unemployment lasted long enough for me to get enough promotions in two years to a position that had me back in a place to make enough to not completely sink month to month.

And while I remained busy working, creating, and helping to run the photography club I kept things quiet. During all of this quiet time I spent some time evaluating what happened. I had to know how I could go from living my dream to being an unraveled sweater lying on the floor exposing myself in the most uncomfortable and inappropriate ways. I needed to know how in six months I could go from my dream to be a photographer to being ready to walk away from it all and never look back.

Early on, it was easy to blame everything on something else. I would blame the economy on my business struggles. I would blame the community for lacking value in art. I would blame some people for betrayals, some people for taking advantage, some people for holding me back and even some people for abandoning me. I would blame my family for making things so difficult. I would blame everyone and everything for the failures happening except the one and only person responsible. 

In the end all of the struggles, hardships and failures were nobody’s fault but my own.

That realization hit me hard, but I accepted it.

First and foremost, I accepted that I was a failure and more importantly I was responsible for that failure. That acceptance is a lot harder than it sounds as I don’t usually fail. What I mean by “don’t usually fail” I mean:

·         I have applied for 39 jobs in my lifetime.

·         I have had 37 jobs in my lifetime. That is a 94.8% success rate in obtaining a job.

·         Of those 37 jobs I was fired from only 2, laid off from 2 (one voluntarily) and I quit the remaining 33.

      That is an 89.1% success rate in keeping a job for as long as I wanted it.

·         I taught myself computers enough to get an IT job two years after buying my first computer without any formal education.

·         I played my first live gig with a guitarist and two singers for a church audience of 15 two months after buying my first bass guitar.

·         My first painting since elementary school was a full wall Noah’s Ark mural on a 10’x13’ wall 25 years later.

Those are just some examples to help you understand what I mean with the statement of “I don’t usually fail”.  It has been my experience that if I set out to do something I succeed. I figure it out and I get it done: Usually.

Failure was and still is a hard pill for me to swallow. The human ego sucks. The ego is like a hemorrhoid; you don’t notice it much until it gets some pressure applied to it and failure is life’s jackhammer to the hemorrhoid known as ego.

I failed to understand my market as not only a wedding and portrait photographer, but also as fine art photographer.

I failed to realize that I am unable to say no to friends. Ask me to shoot a wedding, a portrait or whatever and I would have said yes. That isn’t so much the case any longer, but it was then. I am not a good businessman because I cannot separate business relationships from personal relationships.

I failed to protect my friends and my family from my vacuous spiral into negative void of my rampant despair.

 

I failed to hang on to the real reason I wanted to become a photographer; the love of art and creation. Instead I was becoming the guy who would not pick up his camera unless he was getting paid. I was refusing to make art unless there was going to be a paycheck involved. That was not who I was at my core, but I was well on my way to becoming that.

I failed to be thankful for the opportunities I was provided. I landed a nice job in a time when most jobs, let alone nice jobs, were not plentiful and I hated everything about that opportunity. I hated being in the corporate livestock trade again, so much so that I nearly walked away from my desk, several times, in the first few months without so much as a mention as to where I was going and whether I would return or not.

I failed.

Friends did not fail me.

I failed.

Customers did not fail me.

I failed.

The economy did not fail me.

I failed.

My family did not fail me.

There it is.

I failed.

It took me nearly a year to be able to say those words and know they were true.

I failed.

Today I am doing better. I am doing more. I give more. I create more. I am involved more.

Today I am better. I am a better man. I am a better husband. I am a better father. I am a better friend. I am a better employee. I am a better artist.

I still have my ups and downs today as everyone does. I can’t even measure today’s down cycles with the same measuring stick I would've used back then; I would have measured my down cycles by the mile back then. Today my down cycles are measured in millimeters in comparison to those days. Do you know how many millimeters are in a mile? 1609344.

It was a long painful road to go down. And while I gained much knowledge, wisdom and appreciation during that time, I also lost a lot. I lost friends, professional resources and passion. I have everyone around me to thank for the things I learned and only myself to blame for the loss I incurred. I am simply blessed that the loss wasn't considerably more, because it could have been more and worse.

Today I have balance in my life. I work to live, rather than the other way around and that is balanced with I live to create. Today I give so much more than I take and I am happier being that person because it is who I am at my core. It takes so little energy to give, in contrast to the enormous energy it takes to try and take.

Balance is found by being who you are and I am well on my way there.

I would like to thank my family and friends for all of their support, inspiration and compassion. It is because of them that I have had the support I need. It is because of them that I have found the balance I need. The last year has been amazing and the coming years are looking so very promising. I can’t thank each of you enough for everything you do, but I have to start somewhere… so I start here with a thank you to each of you.

My Wife
My Kids
Rick
Shawn
Liz
Nathan
Michael
April
Janeen
Chris
Steve
Holly
My Dog and Cat
and everyone else around me that give each and every day!